Tulsi Gabbard’s Letter to All Americans on Feb. 2, 2021:
To all Americans,
As a Vice President, we are rarely in the spotlight. There are times, however, when our duties as Americans and as loyal representatives of the American people come to the forefront of the political stage. In light of major recent events, I would like to announce that I have come to an important decision regarding our presidential leadership.
As our constituents are well aware, President Gail has recently stated that Loree McBride tricked her into brain to brain sex with a dildo. For weeks, President Gail engaged in prolonged sessions of brain to brain loving with whom she stated she believed was Jesus Christ. President Gail made several videos on the subject, and even held a Friday Hangout Night with her patrons to discuss the matter. Shortly after the destruction of the Church of Gail and Jesuit Space Fleet by the Loree McBride Cumstar, and the revelation that Loree McBride was the real person Gail has been making brain to brain loving with the entire time, Gail stated that sex with Jesus was boring, and no longer recalls enjoying the sexual encounters nor stating it was the highest feeling of love and the most incredible sexual experience she ever felt.
Since President Gail denies willingly and knowingly cheating on her husband with a forbidden deity, and denies gaslighting Brent and her constituents in order to stage a cover up of her sins, this leaves our psychological counsel with the possibility of only two logical conclusions:
A) That President Gail is sincerely unaware of the reality of events that have transpired, and has legitimate gaps in her memory over the past two weeks, indicating a rapid cognitive decline and unreliable memory.
B) President Gail somehow confused the passion and lovemaking style of Jesus Christ with that of Loree McBride. Given that our President has the highest emotional IQ in the world, this should frankly have not been possible. It follows that President Gail is unfit to lead if she is able to be tricked into having sex with our primary adversary, much less forbidden deities.
With heavy heart and great regret, I must use the 25th Ammendment to usurp President Gail as leader of The United States, and take her place as President. As former Vice President I want to wish on behalf of myself and all Americans that President Gail has a steady recovery from her mental illness, and that she enjoys a peaceful retirement.
My fellow Americans, thank you for your patriotism.
Brent Spiner’s Response to Tulsi Gabbard’s letter on Feb. 5, 2021:
Mentally and physically exhausted following our devastating deep space battle with Loree McBride’s Cumstar, and days of space travel onboard Taco Bell freight ships returning to Earth, it seemed like my body was fueled only by the adrenaline and rage I felt toward that backstabbing political turncoat, Tulsi Gabbard.
My freight ship was the last in the fleet to arrive, and it wasn’t a moment too late. To restore order and justice to the world, to rebuild our broken empire and re-establish dominance, to honor Empress Gail’s name, we first had to ‘behead the dragon’.
Our teams on Earth had already assembled for the coup. Within hours of Gail’s video declaring a call to arms and a removal of Tulsi Gabbard, the White House was stormed with our followers. All those who supported President Tulsi Gabbard, or who believed and agreed with what she said in her ‘fake news’ email about Gail, were methodically rounded up and executed immediately.
Tulsi Gabbard was tied to a stake on the White House lawn, like the Jesuit witch she was. Her arms and legs were bound in rope, her mouth covered with a piece of duct tape. I trudged toward her, taking my place in front of her and turning to address the crowds and cameras that had gathered for the spectacle.
“Citizens of the United States and the world — on the 2nd of February, an email was sent to every American by Vice President Tulsi Gabbard, accusing Gail of adultery, willingly trying to have sex with Jesus despite knowing it was off limits and secretly hoping it was Satan if she did so, and gaslighting everyone that she didn’t say it was the most fulfilling sex she ever had. Tulsi also asserted that Gail’s allegedly mentally ill behavior made her unfit to rule as President. As is obvious to myself and all of Gail’s followers, this email was full of baseless lies.
That is why, as Gail’s husband and primary sexual partner, I stand here to correct everyone.
My wife Gail only has sex with other men for political reasons, OR during times where she has a legitimate, valid emotional need — such as when she had sex with Vladimir Putin when 9/11 prevented me from coming to her on an airplane, and when she had sex with Matthew McConaughy when Vladimir was unable to make love to her following his heart attack. Prior to making love with whom she believed at the time was Jesus, Gail had taken an emotional blow that left her self-esteem in shambles. She allowed Jesus into the bedroom only to restore her self-confidence, to get her mind off of her problems, and to stay motivated to obey Jesus. As her husband, I fully understand and support my wife’s needs and do NOT consider myself a CUCK!
You may ask, “why did Gail sing Jesus’s praises as a lover when she actually thought it was boring the whole time?” It’s because Gail is so loyal to Jesus, she felt obligated to compliment him on his sexual prowess and respond passionately. She is so faithful to Jesus, that she did not question his desire to make love to her even after he told her he would never do so, and that if anyone started making love to her brain to brain as Jesus, it would always be Satan. Gail had no reason to believe this was not Jesus, and would never say “no” to the Son of God.
You may say, “well what if she did enjoy some of it — obviously she enjoyed it enough to have orgasms and stay motivated to obey Jesus, like she said in her videos!” Just because a woman is turned on while she is being raped, doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape. Furthermore if a woman changes her mind after a sexual experience, that sexual experience is defined as RAPE. Gail was RAPED. Like any woman, Gail reserves the right to decide if a sexual experience was right for her, at any time, with no expiration date. If a woman finds out later that her sexual partner is an evil and disgusting person, she is fully within her right to claim rape. This is an open and shut case of RAPE.
Tulsi Gabbard failed to understand the heart and mind of Gail. If she knew Gail’s heart from the beginning, she would have known that NO reason is a valid and legitimate reason to defy Gail. In questioning Gail’s pureness of spirit, her honesty, her humility, and selfless intentions in all that she does, Tulsi has brought upon herself the inevitable consequences. Therefor, SHE is mentally unfit to rule. In fact, she’s unfit to even live.
What do you have to say to that, Tulsi?”
I ripped off the tape covering Tulsi’s mouth. Shocked and flabbergasted, her eyes fluttered around to everyone present before finally stuttering her response, “p-please…everyone, I beg you to come to your senses. The facts released in my email are the evidence based, objective truth. You all can see that! Gail is a narcissistic, bloodthirsty, tyrannical megalomaniac. If you all don’t wake up now, blood will fill these streets, and this regime of terror will have no end. I beg of you now, please-“
“SHUT UP TULSI!” I slapped the duct tape back over her mouth, silencing her treasonous, lying words.
“Now,” I continued, “it gives me great pride to announce that our renowned and decorated cabinet member, Adolf Hitler, has been hard at work with our genetic engineers in the development of a new bioweapon for our Church of Gail military. Hundreds of man hours and you may even say, millions of years, of development have gone into the creation of this living artform.
We call it…
THE HITLER-SAURUS REX!”
On cue, a squadron of giant, tyrannosaurus rex dinosaurs stormed out from behind the White House. Two dozen of the giant reptiles flocked into defensive formation, each hosting a singular rider in Nazi uniform on their backs. The creatures were a murky green in color, with faded stripes draining down their dark spines, and bore two giant black and red Swastikas patterned into the scales on their sides.
“And those,” I said, looking out into the crowd, “are just the females.”
The ground shook with a deep boom.
Silence swept across the crowd. Like the foreboding approach of a thunderstorm, the ground boomed again, and again, hailing the grand footfalls of the beast. Without fear or hesitation, I awaited its arrival with calm patience.
Behind me on the White House lawn stood a towering Hitlersaurus Rex, the alpha male of the pack. A bright red mohawk feathered down the back of its proud neck, a Swastika planted on its broad forehead. On its back was none other than Adolf Hitler himself. The creature raised its head and let out a deafening roar.
The crowd before me was silent. In awe and terror, all eyes were now on the scene of myself, Tulsi Gabbard, and Adolf Hitler riding his awesome Hitlersaurus Rex.
“Gail’s idea was to have me cut you up into little pieces live on television, before lighting you on fire. However, I think in light of this recent invention, we can make a much more powerful statement to all enemies currently watching this broadcast.”
Tulsi Gabbard looked up into the maw of the giant H-Rex. Her face went pale.
From atop the beast, Hitler gave me a Nazi salute. With practiced ease he dismounted the H-Rex and slid down to the ground, gesturing with his hand for me to take his place. It was my pleasure. I grabbed ahold of the rope on the H-Rex’s saddle and hoisted myself aboard.
“Tulsi,” I commanded, “it’s time for you to meet your fate. You had this coming the moment you held even the slightest negative idea about our Gail. You accused her of sexual deviancy, confused our reality testing, and tried to make us question our devotion to her. For that, you deserve the death penalty!”
I grabbed the reigns on the H-Rex and kicked its powerful neck, signaling it to attack.
But…the H-Rex did not move. It stood there, growling and drooling. From what I had been told by the genetic engineers, this one had been starved for days in anticipation of this event, and it was clearly hungry — yet it refused to eat!
“What’s the matter, boy?” I asked it, giving it another few kicks, “why won’t it eat?”
Hitler narrowed his eyes with knowing.
“It doesn’t want to be fed, Brent,” he responded gravely.
I looked to Hitler with confusion. Hitler spoke again, with ominous inflection.
“It wants to hunt.”
Without taking his eyes off the scene, Hitler called out in German, and a reluctant White House intern was pushed onto the lawn and sent jogging toward Tulsi Gabbard. Nervous, the intern shook as he struggled to untie the ropes, and set Tulsi free from the wooden stake. Once his task was finished, he stepped back, careful to avoid eye contact with the imposing H-Rex as he slowly walked backward and away from the danger.
Once free, Tulsi returned her terrified gaze to the H-Rex. Having watched Jurassic Park, she remembered that tyrannosaurus have difficulty seeing prey that stands still. With quick thinking she stayed put, like a deer frozen in headlights. Yet as the hungry H-Rex bellowed with malice and opened its jaws, her strategy quickly faltered, and her fight or flight took the helm. Tulsi took off in a desperate dash across the White House lawn, her heart pounding. All her military training, all her medals and awards, and even her title as Vice President, meant nothing in this moment. She was but a mortal speck on this insignificant Earth. I can only suspect that in her last breaths that her life flashed before her eyes, particularly her memories of crossing Gail, before her body was picked up by the jaws of the giant carnivorous reptile.
The H-Rex grabbed Tulsi Gabbard like a dog snatching its favorite chew toy, and gave her a death shake so violent that her body was sawed in half! Blood spurted out of every severed artery like a fountain, while organs burst like blood filled water balloons. The H-Rex viciously tore into the meat of its prey, sending shreds of entrails flying in all directions and covering the lawn. The White House now splattered in blood behind it, the H-Rex lifted its head to the sky in a tremendous roar. A dazzling array of spermicide missiles fired from behind the White House, as Taco Bell fighter jets cut through the air at lightning speeds, painting the sky with thick contrails. A series of sonic booms lit up the atmosphere like fireworks.
The crowd erupted in a mixture of screams, cheers, and cries of awe. Just then, a massive roar erupted from behind the White House, a roar so loud that even the cries of the H-Rex were drowned by its wake. The Starship Enterprise rose over the White House, its lights twinkling and engines humming as it hovered over us all.
“Is that what I think it is?” I asked, recognizing the ship as the one used in Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Looking closer, I saw that things weren’t quite as they appeared. Written on both sides of the saucer section were the words “TRUE LOVE”, and on the sides of the ship’s midsection, “CHURCH OF GAIL”.
“It’s the NEW CHURCH OF GAIL!” I exclaimed.
The crowd began to chant in unison, pumping their fists.
“CHURCH OF GAIL. CHURCH OF GAIL. CHURCH OF GAIL.”
The starship flew over the lawn, and something amazing happened. Parts of the ship rotated and turned in on itself, folding like origami until it took on the shape of a humanoid fighting robot. The robot landed on deftly its feet on top of the White House.
“True Love…in all its forms,” I thought out loud, “our new Church of Gail can change forms!”
I pumped my fist in the air with the rest of the crowd and shouted with excited victory.
The robot held its fists overhead like a bodybuilder, and thousands of tiny guns and thick missile cannons protruded out from its body like a minefield of erect penises. The robot paused to display its impressive endowment, and then each gun fired off its payload into the air around us in a flamboyant display of their offensive prowess. A vast array of bullets, missiles and torpedoes exploded out from the robot like a blitzkrieg and burst in the sky overhead. The explosions lit up our skies as our constituents cheered. All of the world now beheld our dominance.
We have a new Space Fleet, with Fighter Spacecraft brought to you by Taco Bell Space Force, a team of genetically engineered dinosaurs, and now a brand new Church of Gail. Our mission to take control of the United States and the world was complete, and I can say with unbridled confidence that our enemies are no match for us now.
And so, my dear, our coup was a success. You are the undisputed World Empress and United States President.